John's Story: A Story Rich Life

The issue at the heart of After Sunday living is about integrating faith and work, and not merely balancing them as though they were different but disconnected segments of our lives.For many of us finding this faith – work integration is enough of a challenge. It has been an even greater struggle for John Lawson, as he has had to work out how to integrate not just his deep faith and his work, but also his sexuality. John is gay.

John Lawson’s story, as it has worked out, bears little resemblance to the one he had imagined in his youth. His plans to develop his childhood love of plants to become either a farmer or a successful landscape designer and make lots of money have little in common with his work today as a Community Support Worker for MESMAC, a gay and bisexual men's community support service. John works with gay and bisexual men to reduce AIDS/HIV transmission and raise awareness around sexual health and promote mental well being.

John is clear that his current work is his vocation and one in which he feels fully ‘joined up’ as a person. His work brings together his own understanding of the needs of the gay and bisexual community, his own giftedness to relate and to transform difficult situations with a genuine sense of God’s calling to him as a man of faith.

John’s university period in Reading was perhaps the most formative for him. It was here that he discovered his own sense of identity and ‘came out’ as a gay man. It was here that he developed friendships with other gays and lesbians based on mutual respect and care for each other. It was also during this period that John realised that he had a very positive gift for relating to others and for building bridges and networks. His calling, he discovered, was to work with people and not plants. This realisation brought John back to the North East of England, where he became involved with MENCAP and adults with learning difficulties.

It is because John has had to struggle so hard to work through his own sense of identity and personal integrity that he is particularly effective in being a creative presence in the groups with whom he works. “I find that because of my presence, new possibilities and ideas can emerge that overcome the fear that people so often have about gay and lesbian issues. I find I fill the spaces between people and groups and make things possible to happen.” John recalls one incident a few years ago when he was working with a gay and lesbian group in Hartlepool who joked nervously one day about the idea of entering a float in the Hartlepool Carnival, promoting gay and lesbian activities in the town. An idea that seemed ridiculous one moment became a reality a few weeks later. “Where 2 or 3 are gathered, and have an aspiration and a belief, then things can happen”, John said.

Through his work, John has become very involved in the Middlesbrough Council of Faiths. “I have to say that sometimes I find it easier to build bridges with other faiths on the subject of gay, lesbian and trans-gender issues that with Christian groups alone. Even with those faith groups which are particularly hostile to gays and lesbians. I think it is because others see me a man of faith and respect the fact that I am working to bring my work, faith and sexuality together.

One of the significant struggles for John has been finding a spiritual home. His father was a Methodist Minister and John grew up in a very faithful household.

“At one stage in my university career I would go to a high Anglican Church in the morning for the liturgy and incense. I could be quite anonymous here because no one really spoke to you. For me at that time this was good because as soon as I opened my mouth people could tell that I was different. In the afternoon I would go to a delightful Baptist church. They were so kind and caring to me. I didn’t want to cause any discord here so I felt that I couldn’t honestly share my struggle to come out a gay man. It would have hurt them too much. In the evening I went along to a very evangelical church that were openly homophobic. There was still a part of me that believed that I needed to be ‘cured’ of my homosexuality and that this church seemed the place to do it. But I quickly got angry since my experience of God didn’t lead me to believe that he wanted me to deny who I was, but rather he wanted me to be whole. I felt I was a man of faith from a family of faith and this church just didn’t reflect my experience of God.”

Over the years John did find many communities of faith that were very accepting of him and helped him to find his own voice. John always dreamt that one day he would find a community that could accept him fully and offer him the kind of relationship with God that would bring wholeness and integrity. He eventually found a spiritual home in the Metropolitan Community Church in Newcastle.

John finds sometimes that it is more challenging to admit that he is a Christian in a gay and lesbian setting than it is in everyday situations. There is still a good deal of suspicion from the gay and lesbian community towards Christians, such has been their experience of some organised religion.

One of the features revealed by John’s story was that in a way there was some similarity between ‘coming out’ as a Christian in the workplace with ‘coming out’ as a gay person. At some point for the sake of integrity, both have to make some public statement about who they are. So, what is the learning to be shared?

“It is less about making big statements but more about sharing your story. It is more about saying, ‘This is who I am, what I do and how I do it’. Sharing your story allows others to share theirs and to find a new basis for relating.. Everyone has a story to tell.” “Coming out is more about weaving the threads of our experience with the threads of the other person’s story. As we step out as people of faith so we should find it an integrative process. It is about being made whole. It can be very wearing if people are ‘in your face’ about either their faith or their sexuality.”

John’s story has had many struggles and he has had to face up to many difficult conversations and listen to many harsh and challenging voices. Because of his faith and his enduring sense of God’s love for him he has a story that is rich in meaning and integrity. His work is one of the expressions of this sense of integrity. John believes that we all have rich stories to tell and to share with others. He finds that often the source of these stories is to be found in prayers that have been answered. It is worth looking there for yourself. It certainly is true for John as he has wrestled with God, his church and his world to become the joined up person that he is today